Christmas is a magical time of year, full of childish wonder, the spirit of giving, and a drunken uncle revealing that he was the product of a torrid love affair while grandpa was away in Vietnam. It was in the spirit of that torrid affair that ChooChoo H3 congregated for hash #69+20, XXXmas.

No north star had brought them here; they were not wise nor kingly. They didn’t come bearing gifts, the cheap bastards. Instead, it was because the hare F’n B, our true messiah, a Capricorn, had summoned them for a hash. Hi-Fi Clyde’s finest BEER was on tap for ten hounds, including two VIRGINS, neither of whom were carrying the son of God to the best of our knowledge. Of course it was his/her/their right to bear the son (or daughter) of God (or Goddess) whether they had cum or not. C3H3 supports the symbolic struggle against oppression.

It was a bitter cold day, and neither the hare nor hounds were in any rush to leave the comfort of the bar. Except for Timothy Leery who only dropped by for a quickie. Splitter. Alas, the hash must go on, and the GM called the pack to circle up outside for hare talk. F’n B gave a scattered explanation of marks and FU and lactating boobs. The pack was all, “hurry up it’s cold,” and he was all, “what cold?” as he stood there in his toasty warm Santa suit, and they were all, “fuck you we’re going back inside for BEER,” at which point Santa bounced off for LIVE TRAIL.

The hounds took their time finishing their BEER and doing a few JELLO SHOTS and argued whether they had to wait five minutes or ten before pursuing the hare. Eventually they settled on seven minutes and howled ON ON! With bells a-jingling they put their noses to the ground to pick up the scent of milk and cookies. Following marks of flour or snow or Bone Star’s coke stash, the hounds soon came upon a four-way check. Cum Analyst went left to check one, two, three, four marks and she caroled ON ON!

The wind was nipping at their heels, but soon the hounds came upon BEER NEAR! They found themselves at the foot of Five Wits, where Santa greeted them with drinks and cornhole. For as long as they tossed it, not a single hound came up with an original “that’s what she said” joke. Please, leave it to the scribe to get her tongue around a turn of phrase. And that is what she said.

Santa ran off again while the hounds finished their BEERS and the game of cornhole. Team Santa squeaked a win by a single point, and again they were ON ON! Another check greeted them outside, so I’d Tap That ran off to find one, two, three marks, then…nothing. The pack had an inkling that it was indeed true trail since it was heading back to the bar, so they sniffed around. It wasn’t until someone spotted Santa’s hat unceremoniously abandoned where the trail had sneakily taken a hard left.

With much bitching they continued on trail until they found a BOOB CHECK at the corner of Main and whatever side street they were on. It was also across the street from Hi-Fi Clyde’s, so they kept following trail until they encountered an FU beside the bar. The hounds were cold and thirsty, and they stood around getting colder and thirstier debating whether to scout more trail or just go inside. Party up the Back was brave and broke through the FU. He went straight for Clyde’s back door without so much as a by-your-leave, where he stumbled into Santa’s lap and DOWN DOWN.

The hounds were pretty hangry, so before circling up everyone opted for BRUNCH. Waffles and wings and eggs were all on the menu then on the table then in their bellies. At long last, after much BEER and frostbite, the GM called the pack to circle up. First up was vote on trail, which was declared GOOD TRAIL! For the trail as well as a hare charge of losing his hat while laying trail, F’n B had to drink it down down down.

We had quite a few INTERRUPTUS. Pinky Pinky Little Star, Party up the Back, and Walk O’Shamy had all failed to cum and cum often. A very special INTERRUPTUS came in the form of I’d Tap That – ChooChoo H3 was her mother kennel, but she had been living in Detroit until she decided it was too fucking cold, only to come back to Chattanooga where it was too fucking cold. All the lazy hounds had to step forward and drink it down down down.

The hash today welcomed two VIRGINS. One of those VIRGINS didn’t even realize she was a part of this, she was just a stray who wandered into circle. Welcome, Just Allison! She was on the clock and had to drop to her knees just the way she likes it to drink it down down down. Next up was Just Jordan, who had taken time off from climbing up your mom’s chimney and was made to cum by Just Maggie. Fuck you, Just Jordan!

We had great expectations for our NAMINGS today – Shocker Leah and Just Maggie. Shocker Leah has been avoiding her NAMING since her third hash way back on #69+4 as she pulls an Irish exit before every circle. Solid chance she’ll get named before we circle up at her next hash 😈. For Just Maggie, we threw out some names like Chum Dumpster and Bloody Mary, but the vibes just weren’t there. Considering her absent AHAB Just Dolly is also up for NAMING, we decided to table it until their next hash.

All the fun out of the way, the hash got down down to BUSINESS:

• December drinking practice is a day early on Monday the 22^nd. Meet at LeRoy’s BEER Lounge, 304 Cherokee Blvd, at 6pm to get your holly jollies on.
• January hash to be hared by Timothy Leery as punishment for leaving early. January hash dates are always subject to change depending on weather, so all we know is there is a 31-day window.
• We’re using WhatsApp now instead of sending a zillion texts. Follow the ChooChoo H3 community to stay up to date and communicate day-of.
• We’ve stepped up our recruiting efforts with improvements to the website, more social media, business cards to hand out, stickers to stick, and a big banner for public exposure. Help us out by spreading the good word! All social media links are at the bottom of the website, www.choochooh3.com.

Only then, at long last, did the hash go in peace and to get a piece of waffle good enough for Jehovah.

First in: Debatable
Not the Messiah: F’n B
A Very Naughty Boy: Party up the Back