There’s nothing like waking up on a rainy day, dark with storm clouds, a light patter against the windows. Then there’s a wave of nausea, and you think maybe you drank too much last night. Then you realize you’re lying next to F’n B, and you KNOW you drank too much last night. The good news is there’s a hash this day, and this is what hashing is made for! Plus it’s not just any hash, it’s ChooChoo H3 hash #69+21 – I Have a Wet Dream. It only makes sense to say fuck the rain and go get wet.

Eleven hounds, five AHABs, and one hare ended their dry spell at the foot of Cardboard Hill in Northshore. While enjoying the beautiful Seattle-worthy day, a herd of Renaissance Park rangers were hard at work off in the distance, and they were…sweeping up marks? Four of them swooped in to inform the hash that there had been a complaint about some weirdo laying poison throughout the park. Timothy Leery did his best to explain that it was only fake poison, and no animals were harmed in the making of this hash. Two more rangers arrived for backup, but their leader waved them off and left the hash in peace.

(As an aside, the scribe has been informed that Leery’s name is spelled with an A, as in the father of LSD and not some tripping imposter creeping on the coeds. Too bad the scribe is a stubborn bitch who will admit no wrong, so unless he wants to step up for proofreading duty, Leery it shall be.)

The hounds grabbed a BEER and circled up for chalk talk. While this had originally been a pre-laid trail, the dutiful park rangers had compelled a last-minute LIVE TRAIL! It was simple enough, with checks and backchecks and 369s and a TURKEY / EAGLE split, all written in nontoxic chalk. The GM blessed the hare, who bounced off with a five-minute head start. Sloppy Seconds was chomping at the bit to get going as well as chomping on the cowbells. Four, three, two, one, and the hounds cried ON ON as twelve rangers watched from afar.

The first marks led the hounds into a thicket of SHIGGY. The sticker bushes tore at the hounds’ legs as they faithfully followed true trail. Ghost Rider had other ideas, however, and jumped trail to skip the SHIGGY. Fucking racist. Shortcuts were abundant on this trail, including F’n B’s and Cranky Old Bastard’s foray into bonus SHIGGY. Ghost Rider, Party up the Back, and Sloppy Seconds got so far ahead that the hare was in imminent danger of getting pantsed just before the BEER CHECK!

The hare was quick enough to avoid involuntary disrobing as the pack came from behind. When they arrived, they could sense that something was wrong. Something very, very wrong. Riots were on the verge of breaking out and the hash almost fell apart, for there was no BEER at the sole BEER check! The hounds debated pantsing the hare right then and there but opted instead to send him off to finish the trail and have the BEER ready at DOWN DOWN.

The lack of BEER was probably for the best, for while waiting the requisite five minutes before pursuing the hare, the park rangers prepared to pounce. Where was Bone Star to thwart the long arm of the law when they needed him? Now hunted as well as thirsty, the hounds cried ON ON and followed what was left of the trail. Seventeen rangers stalked the pack, sweeping up food-grade marks behind them. The hounds kept a wary eye on them, apprehensive that any backcheck would leave them hopelessly lost. But as five more rangers joined the horde, their vehicles peeled off to apprehend a wily gang of Pokémon Go players.

After one grueling mile in slight drizzle, the pack arrived at DOWN DOWN. The hare greeted them with open arms and shitty BEER at the foot of Cardboard Hill. The pack decided circle should be atop the hill where they could spot an oncoming phalanx of rangers. Up they lugged their BEER to first to vote on trail. While it had almost been NO FUCKING TRAIL, Leery pulled off a last-minute save for GOOD TRAIL! Songmeister Cut It Short was sadly absent, so the pack muttered something resembling a song that sort of sounded like S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L while Leery drank it down down down.

Trail charges began with First in and Last in. FRB Cum Analyst stepped forth along with DFLs Walk O’Shamy and MILF in My Coffee. Remember, this is not a race, nor should any hound keep the others waiting for BEER. With promises that they are unlikely to keep to never do it again, the naughty hounds drank it down down down.

Despite having earlier given the hash a lecture on wearing hats when called up for charges, F’n B forgot about his own. Cum Analyst was thus obligated to commit a HAT BASHING! F’n B objected because his hat was proudly adorned with the American flag, and by doing so, Cum Analyst violated 4 U.S.C. §§ 8(b) and 4 U.S.C. §§ 8(e). However, F’n B was violating 4 U.S.C. §§ 8(d) by wearing the hat in the first place, so they both had to drink it down down down.

INTERRUPTUS included Party up the Back and Sloppy Seconds. Party claimed to have been busy with his new girlfriend (you wouldn’t know her, she goes to another school), and no one wants Sloppy around without Party up the Back to keep her in line. Party up the Back shamefully drank for both of their transgressions.

VISITORS joined ChooChoo H3 on this hash! MILF in My Coffee of Rocket Shitty H3 had wandered this way, and Cheeto Dick, temporarily of fair Knoxville and permanently of a Washington kennel that looks like South Sound H3 in his shitty handwriting, had dropped in to visit his old haunt. Welcome, MILF in My Coffee and Cheeto Dick!

Some unwitting VIRGINS were on trail! Our favorite. First up were AHABs Just Harry, Just Eddie, and Just whatever the other one’s name is, made to cum by Pinky Pinky Little Star. Next, two-legged hounds Just Jill and Just Asher were made to cum by Cooter Hogg. They had gone to high school together or something, even though Just Asher was still deep in someone’s testicles back then. Don’t let his young age fool you, the shit that came out of this kid’s mouth you had never heard. Welcome, Just Jill, and fuck you, Just Asher and AHABs!

All that shit out of the way, the hash got down down to BUSINESS:

• Don’t neglect to join the WhatsApp group! We’re using it not just for announcements but also last-minute updates. Definitely would have been necessary had we moved to a drier location on this hash.
• Next drinking practice is 6pm on January 27^th at Doc Holiday’s, 742 Ashland Terrace in Red Bank.
• Ghost Rider stepped up to hare the next hash, Beads & Boobs for Mardi Gras! Currently scheduled for February 7^th but subject to change depending on weather, additional details TBD.

The GM closed the circle so the hash could go in peace to get a piece at Mike’s Hole in the Wall for the ON AFTER. The hash didn’t end there though! Some hounds later went on a recruiting spree in a hasher’s natural habitat, the liquor store. Tune in next time to see if some liquored-up VIRGINS cum!

First in: Cum Analyst
Last in: Walk O’Shamy and MILF in My Coffee
Poison Assassin: Timothy Leery