Not long ago and probably under the influence of his own moonshine, someone said, “Dude, what if there were lakes on top of mountains?” That’s a really good question. There are some out there, but they’re in volcano craters, and volcanoes aren’t real mountains. His equally hammered friend looked him dead in the eyes and said, “Dude, what if we built a lake on top of a mountain?” An expensive endeavor, but intriguing nonetheless. Then a third guy said, “Dude, what if we made the government pay for it?”
That is the true story of how the Raccoon Mountain reservoir came to be. In order to convince the government it wasn’t such a crazy idea, they proposed a pump-and-dump scheme that would prevent anyone from actually enjoying the lake on top of a mountain. People are instead relegated to the trails and overlooks below it. C3H3 had chosen East Overlook with its views of the city and all the mountains without lakes on top for hash #69+30.
Unfortunately, as C3H3 should have remembered from hash #69+22, maps take issue with mountains. One address, three map services, three different locations. Google sent hashers to the wrong side of the mountain. Apple sent them to Jerry’s back yard cookout. MapQuest sent them to Kentucky. Hare Cum Analyst lamented her hounds’ poor sense of direction and what that bode for sniffing out trail. Despite the navigational challenges and bleak forecast, eight hounds and two AHABs eventually arrived at the overlook and were greeted by sunshine and BEER.
The GM called the hounds to circle up for chalk talk. The hare stepped forward to explain herself. It had been slightly less sunny when the hare laid trail, so in anticipation of a thunderous deluge, she had laid a short trail under thick tree cover with minimal fuckery. There was a TURKEY/EAGLE split, every mark was true trail, and arrows provided guidance where there might be confusion. The hare promised one BEER stop on the EAGLE trail, but the TURKEYS were shit out of luck. The hare took a knee for her blessing, and the hash was ON ON!
Walkers and runners commingled into some kind of hybrid lollygagging racists at this hash. It all started in the short moments before the TURKEY trail peeled off, when EAGLES were already falling behind. The TURKEYS decided that they would venture to the BEER stop on the EAGLE trail before turning back, and they kept up with the lazy pack. Ghost Rider found BEER first, shortly followed by Timothy Leary. A good long while later, the TURDUCKEAGLES arrived en masse.
The TURKEYS had a sit while the EAGLES chugged their BEER and continued into the wilds of Raccoon Mountain. The hare had so graciously knocked the spider webs off the EAGLE trail while laying it, but those industrious little fuckers had already rebuilt to entangle the hounds. With their faces covered in all that sticky stuff, the hounds climbed over roots and rocks and mostly stayed on trail. Search and rescue expert Just Willie Brown defied his expertise and briefly led them astray, but $700 Toes reoriented the pack.
The trail looped around to bring them back to the BEER stop where hare and TURKEYS waited for them. They were happy to join the BEER and chitchat, and the brief moment of light rain was rather refreshing. Soon their thirst was quenched, and the pack packed up and headed to DOWN DOWN.
Ghost Rider had to abandon the hash early for the Bathhouse, er, Taphouse, for a BEER tasting. That’s kinda worth it, so the GM called up the circle to get Ghost’s charges out of the way. He was first in, so he drank it down down down. There was a last in to accompany the first in, and that happened to be Mace Terbater, who was also obligated to drink it down down down. Ghost was next charged with abandoning the pack by racing so far ahead, and he drank it down down down for that. The most egregious charge of all was that of fecal hubris after he bragged about shitting on trail. Once again he drank it down down down then was ON OUT.
After that was vote on trail, which was declared best shitty trail ever, i.e, GOOD TRAIL! The hare tipped back her BEER in recognition of the honor. Her trail was not free of flaws, however, at least according to F’n B. He bitched that the BEER stop was not preceded by a BEER NEAR mark. Screws on First came to Cum Analyst’s defense that it wasn’t necessary and only a mere mile onto trail, but he said enough of that feminist crap the charge stands. Screws on First continued to argue, at which point he declared TRIAL BY GRAVITY, and she was found GUILTY! We’re not sure what of and there had been no opportunity for a defense, but Screws on First had to drink it down down down anyway.
No further trail charges arose, so next up was INTERRUPTUS. The previous hash had been a rafting hash, but the additional challenge was no excuse to backslide. Patsy’s lack of attendance was especially egregious since he started to cum but had to turn back because his dumbass AHAB had locked himself in a bedroom. Patsy plus Screws on First and Timothy Leary stepped forward and drank it down down down.
C3H3 then welcomed VISITORS! Traveling hasher Mace Terbater and his AHAB Just Willie Brown opted to join when work had stationed him in fair Dalton, Georgia. Mace Terbater brought with him a wealth of hash lore and tales of late-night Waffle House brawls. Just Willie Brown brought what might be tales of hashes across four states if AHABs could talk. Welcome, Mace Terbater and Just Willie Brown!
NAMINGS! This was Just Mike’s third hash. Since the number of the counting shall be three, it was time for him to receive his official welcome to hashdom. However, the GM just wasn’t feeling the vibes, mostly because he was feeling heat stroke. He decided to graduate Just Mike to SHOCKER status instead. But that’s okay! Shocker Mike will cohare the trail NEXT WEEK! Stay tuned….
It’s now time to get down down to a whole lotta BUSINESS:
- Next hash is THIS SATURDAY! Boredom is a helluva motivator, so Mace Terbater will be back to show us The Art of the Trail on September 19th at 2pm. Cohare Shocker Mike may cum out of this with better trail knowledge than the rest of us mangy mutts combined. Details TBD.
- The next Drinking Practice is Tuesday, September 22nd at 6pm. We may or may not go somewhere other than Mike’s Hole in the Wall.
- Sunday, September 27th is GIRL ZONE! The Ironman-famous cheer station has music, costumes, and WHIPS! Drop by any time between 1pm and 11pm at 205 Island Drive (easy parking in the GPS lot) to whip the racers up Barton Hill or just hang out for a BEER.
- We have hares for the November hash, but we still need hares for October! Either volunteer or get voluntold.
- Since mountain maps are unreliable, don’t forget to join the hash chat on the C3H3 WhatsApp community, where all day-of info and corrections will be distributed.
Having covered all the important and unimportant stuff, the GM wished the hash to go in peace to get a piece. They bid farewell to the lake on top of a mountain, and the pack migrated to the only patio in Lookout Valley for a rowdy ON AFTER.
Fecal Hubris: Ghost Rider
Searching but Not So Much Rescuing: Just Willie Brown
Incredibly Unremarkable: Patsy
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