For ChooChoo H3, sunshine is too mid. So last year. BEER is wet, we like BEER, let’s be wet like BEER. On yet ANOTHER rainy day, eight wretched hounds gathered ‘round the altar of golden nectar attired in their Kentucky Derby best for hash #69+12 – Mad Hatter! The fancy hats should have added a touch of class to this shit show, but alas, the effort was futile. Included amongst these miserable mutts was Just Allie, so desperate for BEER that nearly having her arm ripped off and strapped on couldn’t stop her from cumming.

The pack was cursed with Bone Star, F’n B, and Cranky Old Bastard as their hares, smack dab in the middle of the hilliest hills in Chattanooga because they hate life and wanted the hounds to hate it too. For hare talk, they laid out a list of marks almost as long as the trail itself. Grand Mattress Cum Analyst led the pack in prayer before blessing the hares, and the hash was ON ON!

The hounds burst through the starting gates with the grace of a hog in slop. They climbed the first hill to a SONG CHECK. It happened to be in front of the abode of missing hound Hardly Cumming, so Songmeister Cut It Short led them in a serenade to an empty void. Fuck you, Hardly Cumming!

Up and down a few more hills, the pack arrived at the first BEER stop. The hares poured copious quantities of Yuengling, which the snot-nosed bastard Bone Star considers “shitty BEER”. Look at Mister Refined Palate over here, too good for our shitty BEER. No Natty Light for you, nooooo, that’s for us peasants.

Their thirst quenched by the shitty BEER, the hounds then split into TURKEY/EAGLE. Four TURKEYS were blessed with a downhill stroll home, while four EAGLES had to keep going up. The hares had made a sad attempt to mislead them down false trails, but these EAGLES are too fucking smart for their shenanigans. Maybe not Mensa-level smart, maybe just a tad below average, but the hares aren’t exactly geniuses either. Since one of the marks mentioned at hare talk was FU, they knew that the big hill was an obvious FU and didn’t bother.

After one more BEER stop with Bone Star’s shitty BEER, the EAGLES arrived at DOWN DOWN. Reunited, they enjoyed the tender loins of F’n B, a fine porking after getting the hounds wet. The pack then circled up for charges. Up first was trail vote, which despite the rain and suffering through Bone Star’s shitty BEER, the hounds voted GOOD TRAIL!

Hare charges were pretty meh, so the circle moved on to trail charges. Called forth were Cut It Short as first in and Party up the Back as last in. Remember, this is not a race, nor should a hound leave the others waiting for BEER, thus they had to drink it down down down. Additional trail charges were also meh, so the last charge was INTERRUPTUS for Party up the Back and Sloppy Seconds.

NAMINGS! This hash was blessed with two hounds who had finally completed their third trail, Just Allie and her AHAB Just Monster. Usually this involves a good roasting in circle, with names like Cum Dumpster and Name That’s a Paragraph Long and Still Has No Meaning offered up, but sometimes, every once in awhile, a moment arises spontaneously that requires immediate naming. While jabbering away, F’n B observed that Just Allie’s arm, barely hanging on and strapped to her chest, looked like a chicken wing. The moment was ripe and thus Just Allie was dubbed Chicken Wing! For Just Monster, the chunky little mini-bulldog-type breed I can’t remember, the name was obvious – Chicken Nugget!  Welcome, CHICKEN WING and CHICKEN NUGGET!

Down down to BUSINESS:
—- Next hash is June 7 for Pride Month, hared by Fifth Sonnet Sinner and a soon-to-be-voluntold cohare.
—- Drinking practice this Thursday, May 15^th at State of Confusion at 6pm. Dogs welcome and may head around back to Play Wash Pint after.

Business concluded, the GM closed circle for the hash to go in peace to get a peace. As luck would have it, Walk O’Shamy’s beau Just Matt offered up his house for On After – warm, dry, everything the hares failed to provide. He may have regretted that decision, but we didn’t care and concluded the day with the last of the BEER.

First in Again: Cut It Short
Last in: Party up the Back
Incredibly Unremarkable: Timothy Leery