Whoever’s running the climate change machine finally backed off the rain dial, heeding our many pleas and a brief letter-writing campaign. The only things C3H3 likes wet are BEER and women. Specifically, it’s the women who like wet women on this hash because it’s Pride Month!

On this fabulous day in East Ridge, hares Fifth Sonnet Sinner and Ghost Rider gathered a 12-pack of hounds to get a little head atop their BEER. As GM F’n B circled everyone up for hare talk, the hares came out that this was a LIVE TRAIL! In true Ghost Rider fashion, he brought a U-Haul’s worth of marks, so many that he was still laying them out when the pack got to the ON AFTER. Fifth Sonnet Sinner did her best to simplify it with instructions to follow the poofs to obtain BEER on trail and at the end. The hares were blessed, and off they frolicked for C3H3 hash #69 + 13!

The rainbow parade began with the TURKEYS strolling off, and the EAGLES soon came from behind. All was well and good until a dandy split into TURKEY/EAGLE. The TURKEYS got to continue on their merry way down the road while the EAGLES were directed into the park trails. Now the thing about rain, it doesn’t go away just because the sun cums out. It tends to gather in deep puddles, particularly on trails. Even though the EAGLES didn’t get wet from above, they very much got wet down below.

They did their best to keep their dainty feet dry, but a little scouting by Party up the Back at the next check found true trail led into a glittery lake. Without a refreshing BEER to accompany a refreshing swim, the EAGLES thought themselves clever to follow the swampy forest road that popped out on the other side of the lake. They splashed through ankle-deep tadpole pools for a mile or so before their cleverness was thwarted by a fence and an interstate.

Back they stomped to the check. They searched and searched without luck, but they were determined not to admit defeat and go back to the TURKEY trail. They backtracked in case they had missed trail before the check. It was only then that they spotted the TURKEY/EAGLE split had been scratched out! MOTHERFUCKER cried Cum Analyst.

Ghost Rider was approaching, concerned that the EAGLES had been gone so long. Turns out his backcheck had dissolved, which is obviously what happens when you use chalk on a wet tarp. His head hung low, he led them to DOWN DOWN, where the TURKEYS had been waiting for a long fucking time.

The pack circled up to vote on this poor excuse of a trail, which was declared GOOD SHITTY TRAIL! Cut It Short led us in a sad rendition of S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L, and the hares drank it down down down.

The hares didn’t have a chance to put their cups down as they faced a litany of hare charges. Most egregious of all, there was NO BEER on trail! After all that thrashing and soggy loafers that were no longer so light, the EAGLES in particular deserved to engorge themselves. With much shame, the hares again drank it down down down.

But what crimes were committed on trail? Walk o’Shamy outed herself as a racist, and Bone Star and Party up the Back came in DFL. First in/last in swallowed their foamy penance with little complaint. Next, Cum Analyst tattled on herself and others for using nerd names on trail. A minor infraction, but one which still requires a little BEER-soaked self-flaggelation.

INTERRUPTUS consisted of Ghost Rider and Beer Smoker. Remember, the point of the hash is to cum and cum often. These assholes apparently had “better things to do”, but the kennel was having none of that. With a few grumbles and mumbles, they drank it down down down.

VIRGINS, god bless them. This hash brought us Just Jeni, made to cum by Beer Smoker, and Just Charles, made to cum by 🤷‍♀️. Despite their utter confusion and horror at what they had been roped into, they followed everyone’s lead and drank it down down down.

NAMINGS! Our second favorite part of hashing. On this day the kennel honored Just Marlene and Just Amy. They came first with C3H3 as VIRGINS and found it pleasurable enough each time to cum twice more, making them eligible for their own hash names.

First up was Just Marlene, who was such a cornucopia of potential names that it was hard to choose:
* She likes the word moist (!!!) so in honor of her home state, “Moistly Michigan” came to mind.
* She likes Halloween, and “Spooky Dookie” was moaned from the back. Just Marlene was enthusiastic about that one, so it was immediately ruled out.
* Her favorite animal is the platypus, with manatees being a close second. Fifth Sonnet Sinner thought “Manapuss” fit that tidbit of information.

At long last though, the true gem emerged. One time, in vet school, she had to take a wallaby’s temperature in, you know, that way. Yet despite her extensive experience down there, she couldn’t find the other hole. Turns out, wallabies have a cloaca (you learn something new every day). In response, Bone Star and/or Walk o’Shamy bounced off UNIVERSAL HOLE, which was an instant success. Welcome, UNIVERSAL HOLE!

Up next was Just Amy, the latest friend of Sappho to join the kennel. Per her resume, she is a veterinary surgeon of all sorts of critters, who, as she tells it, are all pink on the inside. She likes premium coffee, and paired with her animal skills the kennel mused on civets  – the creatures that shit out coffee – which generated Scatty Catty, but they knew there was a better skeleton deep inside her closet. Cum Analyst queried if she was a Gold Star, to which Just Amy said no, she didn’t turn gay until she was infected by a drag queen, Natalia Romanoff. Beer Smoker put forth Pink Star, which quickly morphed into PINKIE PINKIE LITTLE STAR. Welcome, PINKIE PINKIE LITTLE STAR!

Down down to BUSINESS:
* Next hash on July 12^th may be the last for Chicken Wing, Chicken Nugget, and Just James before they move to England. Help us boot them out of our kennel once and for all.
* Sometime around the weekend of June 28^th will be an INVASION HASH! The last Hooters in Huntsville has closed, so Rocket Shitty H3 is cumming to Chattanooga for a final peek. Details later.
* Hashes are back to second Saturday of the month – despite our vow to hash on the first Saturday of the month, sometimes life says Fuck You. And it kept saying Fuck You every month since. The latest Fuck You cums courtesy of July 4^th weekend, so we said fuck it let’s go back to second Saturday
* With the hash rescheduled, drinking practice is now the fourth Tuesday of the month, because we don’t want to see each other just five days after hashing.
* Next drinking practice is 6pm at the Taphouse, 3800 St. Elmo Ave. Pinkie Pinkie Little Star took over organizing drinking practice each month, so bitch at her if it’s not up to your standards from here on out.
* We may actually have a float for MAINx24! It’s a ways away, but with a good heads up, Beer Smoker volunteered to handle the logistics. We’ll see if she pulls it off.

Business concluded, the GM dismissed the hash to go in peace to get a piece, and the kennel got a tit bit nipply at Twin Peaks for a very gay On After. It was quite the disappointment, however, as the hares advertised it as a titty bar and not a Hooters knockoff. But boobs are boobs, amirite?

First in: Walk o’Shamy
Last in: Party up the Back and Bone Star
Representing the Gays: Fifth Sonnet Sinner, Bone Star, and Pinkie Pinkie Little Star