The full moon hash is an ancient tradition. For as long as there has been a bright hunk of rock in the sky, there has been a tireless quest for BEER. A primal call in the dead of night to search for golden nectar. Every month, sleepy hounds are pulled towards the moonlight glinting off ice-cold cans. At ChooChoo H3 hash #69+15, the moon was ready to light up this bitch, but it’s summer and these old hounds had to be in bed by 9pm, so the pack gathered as the sun set behind Lookout Mountain. The moon was there according to the stargazing app, and that was good enough.

The GM called everyone to circle up. Before chalk talk commenced, he took stock of the pack. Eight eager hounds in blinky lights had cum for a moonlit brew, including two VISITORS. Five of these were committed to the TURKEY trail, so the candidates for the EAGLE trail decided to join them on their stroll instead. This was bound to be a shit show from the get-go.

The trail this sunny evening came courtesy of hares Patsy and Cum Analyst. Now let’s face it: Cum Analyst lays awesome trails. The best trails. Magical trails. So it sucks to be a TURKEY, because only EAGLES are worthy of her awesome trail. On the other hand, TURKEYS get to sip BEER as they shortcut to more BEER. I for one would choose Cum Analyst’s superlative trail every time, but to each their own. Patsy laid out the marks, half of which were irrelevant for these lazy bastards. The GM then rambled through a blessing, and the hash was ON ON!

The trail started off as a pleasant jaunt through St. Elmo. Quaint neighborhoods, a bike path, flat. No bees. Suspiciously easy. Beer Smoker found a decapitated, armless Elf on the Shelf, whatever that symbolizes. They came upon the TURKEY/EAGLE split and took a turn. A turn for the worse. A turn straight up Lookout Mountain.

No switchbacks or gentle slopes for these hounds. A hill so steep it made them contemplate the meaning of life. The incline railway taunted them as it cruised up the mountain, but it cost $22 and these cheap-ass TURKEYS could barely afford Michelob Ultra. They gasped like chain-smoking octogenarians dragging their oxygen tanks on the little wheelie things as they climbed through a spot of shiggy, only to pop out at a welcome BEER stop for a refill.

The upward journey inevitably led to a treacherous descent. The relentless force of gravity pulled them towards the promise of shitty BEER at DOWN DOWN. As night finally began to fall, the hares greeted them with a refreshing reward. The hounds dove into the cooler for a cold one (metaphorically, not like Sloppy Seconds) and sat around to bitch.

The GM called up the circle. First was trail vote, which was voted GOOD TRAIL! The only hare charge was levelled by F’n B that there should have been a BEER stop at the peak of the trail, but that was a mere quarter mile past the one BEER stop so he was simultaneously charged with excessive whining. Trail charges were minimal – use of nerd names and pointing. Timothy Leery, once again, was incredibly unremarkable.

Our VISITORS, Happy Little Accident, Tittsburgh Orgynizer, and their hasher-to-be, joined us from Pittsburgh. Tittsburgh is technically a REBOUND, as C3H3 was her mother kennel 8 years ago. Welcome HAPPY LITTLE ACCIDENT and welcome back TITTSBURGH ORGYNIZER!

INTERRUPTUS – remember, the point of the hash is to cum and cum often. We had one regular hound as well as the rebound. Technically Just Maggie and Just Dolly were also interruptus, but they can’t be charged until they’re named (only one more hash to go!). Beer Smoker and Tittsburgh’s stunt liver Happy Little Accident therefore had to drink it down down down.

Charges and recognitions completed, the hash got down down to BUSINESS:
— Weekly informal drinking practice at LeRoy’s, 304 Cherokee Blvd in Northshore, on Mondays at 6:30pm. It’s become a regular spot for some of the hounds, so we figured why not.
— Hares needed for September hash! Without hares there is no trail, and without trail there is no BEER ☹️ Shout out if you’re up for the challenge.
— November hash will be a TREASURE HUNT, hared by Timothy Leery. Details to cum.

By the light of the full moon, the GM closed the circle so the hash could go in peace to get a piece at the one restaurant left open for a moonlit ON AFTER.

First in: Tittsburgh Orgynizer and Beer Smoker
Last in: F’n B
Stunt Liver: Happy Little Accident