You know what hashers and triathletes have in common? Whining. Waaahhhh it’s too hot. Waaahhhh my feet hurt. Waaahhhh that’s not enough lube. Suck me up, buttercup, because it’s the Ironman hash!

The hounds lined up for body marking at ChooChoo H3 hash #69+16. Someone must have messed up at registration because they were all 69. This may not be a race, but it sure as hell isn’t a relay. Everyone has to earn their own BEER around here. However, hares Ghost Rider and Headless Ninja are fans of participation trophies and passed out some damn fine BEER to even the back-of-packers.

The GM called everyone for hare talk as the hounds hydrated. The first question was, why are we here? As always, the pack exclaimed BEER! but Care Bear had the audacity to shout RUN! Who the fuck was this interloper and his racist statements? Does he think he’s some kind of Dave Scott-cum-hasher? Only F’n B outruns Just Dave, so Care Bear had to shut the fuck up.

To the surprise of no one, Ghost used up half a mile of sidewalk laying out marks, most of which were redundant, and it took about an hour and fifteen minutes to explain them. (I’m pretty sure he has stock in a chalk company.) The hare had both TURKEY and EAGLE trails this day, but as he looked around there were only EAGLES. Add TURKEY/EAGLE split to the list of irrelevant marks. Sprinkled into the monologue was that this was a LIVE TRAIL! The hares thus sprinted off with the blessing of the GM. The hounds continued to fuel for the allotted eight minutes, and the second it stroked 2:38 the hounds howled ON ON!

Now Ironman may be the ultimate test of endurance, but for hashers the real challenge is enduring the long slog between BEER transitions. On this trail they were swimming through shiggy. The hills were so steep they were pedaling squares. Some were more aero than others, which was Party up the Back’s excuse for lagging so far behind. Bone Star’s stamina is quite impressive (or so I’ve been told). Timothy Leery for once was remarkable in that he DNF’d within a hundred meters.

Serious Ironman athletes are known to shit their pants if it means a Kona slot. F’n B, despite being a Kona racer, was less dedicated and faked it by sliding down a muddy hill to get that nice brown streak up his crack. Less serious athletes find themselves bonking halfway through the run, but Just Steven came to the rescue at the second BEER transition with homemade beef jerky. That recovery fuel is second only to the French toast served at the top of Tail of the Dragon at Cherohala Challenge. But I digress.

Party up the Back, F’n B, Sloppy Seconds, and Cranky Old Bastard didn’t get to jerk off to the jerky because they decided at the first BEER transition that they were TURKEYS after all. They cut the course in favor of a cold one on a bench in the shade. The EAGLES kept going up the worst of Red Bank’s hills until they reached the point in the trail where the hare stops caring and heads straight to DOWN DOWN. With no marks left to lead them astray and only an armadillo corpse to trip them up, they quickly swooped in where the TURKEYS and hares awaited. Timothy Leery was noticeably absent, begging off that his latest bout with chlamydia covid had left him weary and he had gone home to recuperate.

At long last the pack circled up for charges. First on the agenda was trail vote, which was voted GOOD TRAIL! Despite the varied and sometimes contradictory marks, the hares always led them to BEER. While there were no significant charges on trail, the pack engaged in some tit-for-tit petty charges including nerd names, forgetting which hasher used nerd names, drafting, and excessive whining. Care Bear led the pack in song for everyone to continuously drink it down down down. (It’s a shame Songmeister Cut It Short wasn’t able to join this hash because Care Bear had quite the repertoire and they could have made a great duet.)

This hash we had a VISITOR! Care Bear of Huntsville was made to cum by Ghost Rider, who has known him since olden times. Another unfamiliar face was an INTERRUPTUS – Headless Ninja, who hadn’t cum since olden times. Welcome Care Bear, and welcome back Headless Ninja!

After they limped across the finish line, it was time to get down down to awards BUSINESS:
— This week may have a PICKUP HASH! The spawn of Ghost Rider may be in town, so stay tuned for details on an evening hash either Thursday or Friday.
—- September 28 is the Ironman Dehydration Station! We have lights, we have music, we have costumes, we have WHIPS! Join us whipping the runners up Barton Hill at 205 Island Ave in front of Girls Preparatory School any time between 1pm and 1am. Stay 5 minutes or 5 hours, but it’s a can’t-miss event.
— October hash will be the weekend of the 25^th since we got shit to do on the second Saturday. Details to cum.

At long last, the GM closed the circle so the hash could go in peace to get a piece. Whether he knew ahead of time or not, Just Steven became the designated ON AFTER where the hashers refueled with jerky and good bourbon.

First in: 🤷‍♀️
Last in: 🤷‍♀️
Ironmin: 🏊 🚴 🏃