Ten hounds and five AHABs rolled up to a house that looked abandoned. Ghosts haunted the doorstep and salvaged yard art littered the porch. Surely some crusty old witch lived here, cursing the neighborhood with her evil tricks. Slowly the door creaked open. Who emerged from the eerie darkness? That crusty old witch Bone Star! He and Crimson Dyke Jr. were the hares for ChooChoo H3 hash #69+18 and promised a spooky tour through Lupton City. While once again Ghost Rider brought the good BEER, not a single one was Pumpkin Spice. It’s October, and these basic bitches want their fucking Pumpkin Spice goddammit. The pack howled in disappointment.

Cracking open their first cold ones, up rolls the police. The pack froze. The hash hadn’t even started and they were already in trouble! He wasn’t here for the hounds though, as he knocked on the door looking for the resident. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO, BONE STAR? Turns out he had stolen a little old lady’s brick of coke, but the police totally believed him when he said it was an ordinary package that had been delivered by mistake, probably because it belonged to the cop’s mom. Whew.

The GM donned his horns and called the hounds to circle up. The hares presented themselves to be slaughtered by his spicy wit, which is to say a mild paper cut. They promised a short trail full of treats and tricks that would definitely lead them to BEER. The marks were straightforward, though Ghost Rider came packing chalk to fuck those up along the way. With all that over and done with, the GM blessed the hares, and the hounds cried ON ON!

Lupton City is a isn’t a good choice for a Halloween trail, but it isn’t a bad one either. The hares had missed some fine opportunities for shiggy and the like, so Bone Star needs to try harder next time. Pumpkins drawn in chalk were scattered along the way; no one was willing to lick chalk off the street to determine if they were spiced or not. The hares had set up some entertainment in the form of hopscotch and tic-tac-toe because why the fuck not. Upon encountering a whichy-way, the pack for some reason listened to the virgin and lost the trail. Without trail there is no BEER! The hounds only had themselves to blame as they went back.

True trail went past abandoned mine shafts, abandoned golf courses, and abandoned underwear. The hounds had not been abandoned, however, as they turned a corner into an overgrown back alley and found BEER NEAR! Whistles and bells rang out as the hares proffered up tasty beverages and delicious candy to the thirsty hounds. Something was missing though. If you guessed Pumpkin Spice, you would be right. If you guessed anything else, fuck off.

After drinking their fill, the hounds resumed the hunt. The turkeys went this-a-way, and the eagles went that-a-way in search of more BEER, only to meet up at the top of a really steep hill because C3H3 looooooves hills. Back down they went, rolling right into Bone Star’s house where the hares had laid out quite a spread. There were chips, cupcakes, candy – but you know what wasn’t there? Pumpkin Spice. Fuck you, hares.

The circle formed and the hounds voted on trail, which was deemed GOOD TRAIL! Short, spooky, and plenty of BEER. The hares drank their reward down down down before facing charges. The eagles were very unhappy that an intersection was marked only by a camera, and that spot sure as hell was not a photo op.

The next charges were for INTERRUPTUS. Cut It Short hadn’t been seen since his arrest by the Boat Police. The pack had assumed he had been sentenced to federal fuck-you-up-the-ass prison and would be gone for a very long time. Turns out the judge took one look into his puppy dog eyes and declared him Not Guilty! He was but one of the hounds called up, as Crimson Dyke Jr., Pinky Pinky Little Star, and Walk O’Shamy had failed to cum as often as the pack would like. All those lazy fuckers had to drink it down down down. Before Cut It Short was allowed to set his mug down, however, the pack serenaded him with a special song because it was his birthday! A full 1/7^th of a hound year older just to listen to this shit.

Someone tricked some VIRGINS into cumming to the hash, probably by luring them into their van with candy. Just Justin and Just Laura stepped forth along with AHABs Just Teddy, Just Pierre, and Just Sammy. They had all been made to cum by Bone Star and Pinky Pinky Little Star. The pack greeted Just Laura because ladies first – welcome Just Laura! Then they welcomed the boys – fuck you! They all drank it down down down.

A VISITOR decided to go trick-or-treating with C3H3. All the Way In of Rocket Shitty H3 showed up in his bathrobe full of patches from around the globe and led the pack both on trail and in song. Welcome, All the Way In!

As luck would have it, this hash had a NAMING! Just Hunter had cum thrice, and it was time to officially make him a part of the kennel. The hounds laid out question after question, and all his answers were so incredibly unremarkable that it would put Timothy Leery to shame. Bone Star let slip that Just Hunter had gotten into a wee spot of trouble at work. The story got the pack all wrapped up in the juicy workplace drama. It was so dramatic that it ended up going to HR 😱 Having ostensibly committed an HR violation, someone shouted out HR Violation! Thus, Just Hunter was named. Welcome, HR VIOLATION!

Down down to BUSINESS:

• Next Tuesday is our monthly DRINKING PRACTICE! Stay tuned for the time and place, which will be Mike’s Hole in the Wall, 538 Cherokee Blvd, at 6:30 pm.
• Next hash is a PIRATE HASH with a treasure hunt! Tentatively November 8, hared by Timothy Leery. Expect it to be unremarkable.
• Walk O’Shamy halfheartedly volunteered to organize a spot in the MAINx24 parade, though it looks like the kennel will have to go by foot. If you don’t like it, you can suck it.
• If you like figs and you like jam, cum to the informal drinking practice at LeRoy’s BEER Lounge tomorrow. Cum Analyst discovered she has a fig tree and went wild making all varieties of jam. None include Pumpkin Spice.

Night was falling, and the hounds packed up before it got too spooky. As a parting gift, Crimson Dyke loaded up the hounds with oversized pumpkins. But not spiced ones.

First in: All the Way In
Last in: Walk O’Shamy
Pumpkin Spice: No