The internet is an amazing thing. You go online, buy some random shit, and it shows up at your door a few days later. Think about all the times you’ve been laying in bed and think, “I really need a 6-inch waterproof orange spinning butt plug shaped like baby Jesus.” You can’t use it right then, but you can certainly order it right then without getting up. You don’t have to wait until your next trip to the sex store. You won’t forget what you went in there for. You don’t have to worry about it being in stock. VISITOR Sex Toys is kind of like that, except we didn’t even have to order him! He just showed up at our doorstep, ready to pleasure us at hash #69+33 – Sex Toy Takeover.

Disclaimer: since the scribe thought sand up her crack was more fun than a hash, this is a reenactment. Any similarities to the actual hash are purely coincidental. Names were not changed to protect the innocent because fuck them.

So there they were, 11 hounds, one AHAB, and hare Sex Toys bellied up to the bar for a BEER at Five Wits in fair Southside, ready to get down to ass tacks. One of those hounds was turning 22 on that very day! Just Victor dropped his drawers, assumed the position, and Paddlephile gave him a gleeful 22 whacks. Hashing is not all fun and games, however, so GM-for-a-day Ghost Rider took the ball gag out of his mouth to call for hare talk. There were marks that indicated different things, there would be BEER, and what else do you need to know? Nada, and the GM said ON ON!

For 1.85 miles, no one gave the scribe any content, so she had to use her imagination. Her version goes something like this: Shocker Mike was hot out of the gates, in search of both BEER and an escape from Daddy’s Little Beaver’s naughty whip. That thing has a 6 foot reach, and she knows how to crack it just right. In his panic, he almost overran the first check, a 369 that sent the hounds searching far and wide. Someone found true trail, and the pack resumed the hunt.

Cooter Hogg fell behind when his nipple clamp chain got caught in some shiggy. If you’re ever debating whether to get nipple clamps with or without a chain, always consider how much shiggy you’ll encounter. Likewise, put some thought into the flexibility of your strap-on, because I’d Tap That got hers caught in a fence while climbing over. Silence of the Goats thankfully had lube on hand and freed the freewheeling dong.

According to Care Bear, running in a gimp suit above 69 degrees is ill-advised, and he wished he had known that beforehand. He led the pack regardless, and he was the first to discover that trail had crossed itself – they were already at the ON IN! The hare had promised 3.69 miles of trail, and they had only gone 1.85. (At this point, the sex toys exit the narrative because this is where the actual hash report picks up. It’s not nearly as entertaining.)

Ghost Rider turned back to round up the lollygaggers, while Care Bear, Silence, and Tap That decided that while autohashing is generally frowned upon, there’s an exception when trail fails to lead to BEER. Off they went, and the pack regrouped at the real BEER stop at Oddstory. Shocker Mike was especially happy to see BEER; at his first hash, the lying hare failed to provide BEER on trail, and he’s had trust issues ever since. All the confusion and spankings had made Just Victor mighty hungry, so he and Tap That hung back for a burger while the rest of the pack ran ON ON!

Trail led them into the sculpture garden, where massive replicas of their favorite dildos and French ticklers reached into the sky. Care Bear found the next BEER check – Deep Eddy Vodka shots! Silence grabbed one and sucked it down hard (Sex Toys, you lucky, lucky bastard). Ghost shared his with the other hashers, because his motto is sharing is caring. It’s sweet until you realize that applies to everything, including his new baby Jesus butt plug, at which point you go get tested.

A car rolled up and who should emerge but chauffeur Cooter Hogg! Apparently his passengers Just Jill and Just Asher had gotten so far off trail they ended up with a plateful of delicious baked goods at Niedlovs. Cooter Hogg had fetched them after hearing the echoes of Just Asher’s filthy mouth, which he showcased at hash #69+21, yet those wankers didn’t bring anything to share! We just went over this: sharing is caring. Within reason.

The pack took off again and quickly found the next BEER check at Shady’s Corner – and shady it was. Had Care Bear been wearing the gimp suit the scribe envisioned, he would have relished the time out of the sun. Unfortunately for all the AHAB lovers, there was a dog rescue adoption event outside. The only thing that can distract these hashers from BEER is PUPPIES!!!!!!! Silence of the Goats almost took three with her before remembering she had flown into Chattanooga. She considered smuggling one, maybe two in her underwear, but she really didn’t want to raise those questions with the TSA again.

The hounds were extra thirsty, and they cheered when Tap That came back with a pitcher of mimosas, and they booed when she said it was all for herself. Seriously? How many times do we have to say it? Sharing. Is. Caring. Within reason. A photo booth “incident” violated even Shady’s tolerance for debauchery (apparently one of the earlier imagined toys wasn’t so imaginary), and their immediate departure was necessary. And by “immediate”, I mean they had to jump into the nearest running vehicle and GTFO.

They rolled dirty back to Five Wits where Ghost Rider and Care Bear tag teamed the circle and went OG Okinawa Poofter style, whatever the fuck that means. It probably involves “accessories”. The kind that are only available online or that one hole-in-the-wall store with a Cask of Amontillado vibe. Which is cool since accessories fit the theme of this hash. But I digress.

The hash report didn’t cover what actually happened in circle, like vote on trail or trail charges. In these situations, the scribe gets back to her dirty thoughts:

First up was vote on trail, which was declared GOOD FUCKING TRAIL! Not only was it the extra effort it takes for a VISITOR to lay trail, or the copious yet poorly-spaced BEER on trail, it was the brotherhood they built with the Pennsylvania toys that are technically illegal in Tennessee. The hare stepped forward and drank his glory down down down.

He didn’t get off easy though – there were hare charges aplenty. Mainly, while the dildos on trail had a good variety of sizes, they were all the same girth. While there is a difference between a 6 inch dildo and 12 inch dildo, there’s no difference between a 6 inch dildo and only taking 6 inches of the 12 inch dildo. That’s why variety in girth is important too. For this oversight, the hare drank it down down down.

Next up was first in and last in, Care Bear and Cooter Hogg respectively. Remember, this is not a race. Those whips will be right where you left them. Hopefully. Nor should a hound keep the pack waiting, no matter how many more paddlings you want. The hounds drank their penance down down down.

Trail charges were pretty obvious – how inept must a hound be to get their nipple clamps caught in shiggy or strap-on stuck in a fence? Cooter Hogg and I’d Tap That were reluctant to step forward (and a tad embarrassed), but in the end they drank it down down down.

Next up was INTERRUPTUS – Cooter Hogg. He just seems to cum and go as he pleases. It’s been more hashes than I want to go back through since he last hashed with C3H3. Drink it down down down motherfucker.

While Sex Toys is so common in these parts that he hardly counts as a VISITOR, his sweetie Silence of the Goats has been missed, so we owe her a hearty welcome. Welcome back, Silence of the Goats!

Time to get down down to VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS:

• Mainx24 parade is December 5^th. C3H3 will have a bitching float and it needs bitches aboard. Let us know if you can or can’t cum. If you do, you can get a FREE personalized stein. Stein? What stein? Well, I’ll tell you…
• Order your C3H3 2026 stein now! On one side it’s adorned with a picture commemorating our 2026 hashes, on the other is your beautiful AI-ified face. Pretty cool, huh? Prices start at $25 for 22oz or $30 for 28oz, but they are HEAVILY discounted based on your level of participation in 2026, all the way down to FREE! Check it out here: https://choochooh3.com/2026/11/03/%f0%9f%8e%89-c3h3-steins-are-cumming/

Now to get down down to regular BUSINESS:

• Next hash on Saturday, November 14^th, to be hared by Timothy Leary in Cloudland. Details to cum.
• Drinking practice Tuesday, November 24^th at 6pm somewhere. Start airing grievances so you don’t ruin Thanksgiving dinner.
• December hash tentatively on the 12^th, hared by $700 Toes, everything TBD.

Finally the GM wished the hash to go in peace to get a piece, and there was much rejoicing as pizzas and beer flowed for another hour before we said our goodbyes to Sex Toys and Silence of the Goats. Safe travels, dear hashers, and may BEER be plentiful on your journeys!

Birthday Boy: Just Victor
Misapplication of a BEER Bong: Paddlephile
The Dildo of Consequences Arrived Unlubed: Care Bear